Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts

Tuesday, 21 April 2009

Make PAIN your FRIEND!

HI, I am ... 'T3aM0N0, Gleason 9, PSA 0.2ng/ml', in short: 'a Prostate Cancer (PCa) patient' - not yet a survivor. Glad to meet you!

I'm also known as: 'A Very Interesting Case'; 'My 9 o'clock' and depending on who you are talking to: 'a real pain in the arse' ... or sometimes: 'the poor bastard'!

It doesn't really matter, I will usually answer to all of the above.

One thing I have learned (and there have been many) over the past 20 months of battling with Prostate Cancer, is that you must cultivate a sense of humour or you're in trouble. Anything will do, from mildly humorous to absolutely zany ... although go a little easy on the latter!

Something else I've learned, is that life is short, precious and worth the effort; although some days I wrestle with that one.

I remember the (then humorous) TV ad which aired some years ago, which featured a martial arts guru instructing a young pupil, and 'wisely' expounding: "Make pain your friend"!

Well at the time I thought: 'hmm ... yeah I can see his point'. But I didn't realise then, that 'pain' was stalking me in the form of an inoperable and terminal cancer; and that it was about to intrude into my world demanding to become my inseparable companion!

Pain - those who have suffered it long enough will know - is very wearing, even exhausting.

And because of the nature of our modern society we all too quickly reach for pain killers to resolve our dilemma. Now I'm not about to declare that I've finally 'made pain my friend' and simply accepted this intruder; but I have found a way to accept pain BUT on my terms. Let me explain.

I recently, about 5 months ago, I took up the sport of kayaking.

Two or three times a week; my wife and I paddle around the large saltwater lake near our home for between 90-120 minutes. At first this was indeed painful! But along the way something amazing happened; I began to lose weight, build muscle and stamina, I even began to FEEL good about life in general - you've got to love the adrenalin and the endorphins.

However, a problem arose about a month ago that demanded my attention; I wanted MORE and the weather was becoming very changeable!

I remember driving home from the lake one day, reminiscing about the similarity between this sport and the surfing of my youth! It felt good on so many levels! I had to find a way to maintain my exercise regime during the times when the weather wasn't as favourable.

That's when my (long suffering) wife decided we should try one of her favourite sports ... swimming! And so it was off to the local heated outdoor swimming pool.

Result? I loved it! We are now swimming 4 or 5 times a week rain, hail, or shine and I'm managing to swim just over a kilometre in the hour we set aside.

Now, I'm not going to lie ... both sports are still painful even after all this time. However, there is a GOOD reason for this pain - I'm getting fitter and healthier and I'm beginning to FEEL it! I'm enjoying life again and the depression has lessened remarkably.

Nowadays, after a few laps (or a couple of hundred metres paddling) the pain goes and I literally feel great! Sounds like I'm hooked doesn't it?!

Oh, and by the way, my fitness regime is also reaping benefits in the form of: much less fatigue and greater mobility without the nagging arthritic pain!

Make pain your friend? Well, yes; but on your terms!!

Thursday, 28 February 2008

More on my 'Anger'

With the advantage of hindsight, I can now see [more clearly] why my anger surfaced yesterday. The simple answer is:

"I had reason to be angry". While true, this is not the whole story.

A possible answer:

"I haven't been processing my anger progressively and ran into the proverbial 'straw that broke the camel's back'"! Close but again not the whole story.

Another possible answer:

"Denial ... hmmm, this one could be on the money"!

But what have I been denying in regard to my anger? Or, to put it another way, what have I been so angry about that I have been unconsciously denying exists?

This is where it gets painful! I have unconsciously [or consciously] blocked certain memories, hurts, painful memories etc because I DON'T want to face them! Logical ... but NOT healthy! No one to blame here but myself. Now, this begs the question ...what is it that I don't want to face ... hmm? Well, two things spring quickly to mind:

  1. My faith in God - This one, I'll deal with over at 'Out of the Shadows' in a later post. This, is very complex, and is related to ...
  2. The overwhelming sense of failure I feel - Now this one has several facets.

Firstly, the overwhelming sense of failure that I now feel, is very closely associated with the 'Deep sense of Loss' which I previously wrote about.

Although I could go back and dredge up a great many 'failures' to satiate this need to understand where my sense of failure is coming from; I will resist that 'red herring' and instead go after the real culprit/s!

The latest gnawing in my gut; in relation to the profound sense of failure that I'm struggling with; I can assign chiefly to; 'my preceived failure as a husband and as a parent'!

At the moment, the glass is definitely 'half empty'! Try as I might, I cannot seem to get past the emotional response of guilt! I 'know in my head' ... that the guilt I'm feeling is out of proportion, and not the whole story.

It seems to me that I'm unconsciously doing a 'life audit' at the moment and [obviously] coming up short ... [so far at least] ... i.e. heavily weighted on the negative side! I should add at this point, that recent news regarding my 'prognosis' has left me more than a little flat and is undoubtedly responsible in some part for this phenomenon.

This, reminds me of the numerous times [as a Minister of Religion] that I have sat with the 'dying', while they consider their life's accomplishments and ask: "... did I do anything worthwhile with my life ... have I done enough ... could I have done more"?

Now there is no simple answer to that question. How can you weigh a life's worth? And against what standard would you attempt to do so?

In my case, why am I even considering something now, which usually occurs closer to death! Hmm ... now ... I think I'm onto something! Part of me, has 'had enough' and simply wants to 'end it'! Ah hah!

Well that makes sense ... after all ... I am dying right?!

Noooo!

At least not just yet! But I guess this latest phenomenon and my response to it, simply means I'm normal.