Over the last year or so, a great deal has taken place in my life; snippets of which can be found among these pages.
I won't bother reproducing those here; but I do want to touch on some of the salient features of the past year or so and the over-arching and consistent theme that has been the feature of my life over the past few years.
Firstly, it occurred to me (most profoundly) just today; that my life over the past 4-5 years has been dominated by a deep sense of loss.
Now I could 'spiritualise' that and say that the dominant theme has been one of ongoing and ever deeper levels of surrender! Which would also be true, but would not convey the sentiments, I need to share.
The former statement implies sadness, grief, despair, depression and what I have called 'psyche-ache'!
All of these and more would accurately describe portions of my life at various intervals over the period in question.
However, the latter statement seems to imply a voluntary process of surrendering to a benevolent God with the desire (at least one of the desires) being that of becoming more Christ-like!
I'm afraid that does not describe the process in my case; although it may describe the end result ... the jury is still out on that one!
Reflecting on the theme of loss, I could readily mention a few that come to mind, such as losing:
I could touch on many more occurrences which strongly impacted me during this period but suffice to say, that 'loss' has featured very profoundly. Now that's not to say that fear, insecurity, anxiety and a host of other emotions (particularly betrayal) haven't featured strongly; they have, but each one of those could be traced back to a deep sense of loss!
Just today, in considering our future it suddenly occurred to me, that I was feeling as though 'everything and everyone had been or is being stripped away from me' - and that included ALL earthly possessions as well! Let me explain.
Since my diagnosis, (confirming that I have an advanced case of Prostate Cancer) we have been re-considering our priorities in terms of: possessions; where we want to live; what we can afford by way of life style (particularly if I have to give up working) all, in light of the possibility that I may only have between 3 and 5 years to live.
Now, one very distinct possibility that we are seriously considering, is that of leaving Australia and joining our daughter (and her children) in Chile! Our daughter is a single mum, with two children under the age of 20 months; a doctor with her own practice; a university lecturer and a PhD student - next year.
Apart from missing our daughter terribly (and our grand children, one of which we have not yet seen) and being offered (both) very attractive employment propositions; I know we could also assist our daughter immeasurably!
However, on the down side; because of the expense incurred in such a move, it is most likely that we will have to sell or give away, all of our earthly possession; apart from, our clothing; certain personal affects; and a few sentimental items etc, those which can accompany us on the plane!
It was the thought of: 'selling or giving away'; a life-time of personal possessions, i.e. 'personal treasures' etc, which in some way, reflected: 'who we are' and 'where we have come from' that disturbed me most profoundly!
In one brief moment I felt as though I was being stripped naked and denied everything that I might otherwise call my own! I was to be left; with only certain items of clothing; a very few personal possessions; my (precious) wife; and my memories ... and boy that hit home!!
All the while, I was thinking ... have I got the strength to go through this - again??
Now, such difficult (even traumatic) life-periods are not new to me; either in intensity or duration. But on each earlier occasion, I have always been able to discern what appeared to me to be, a 'valid and often necessary purpose'; even 'a moulding towards' such a purpose.
However, on this occasion I must admit; that the past 4-5 years seem to be void of any discernible purpose. And that's what mystifies me!! How do you give yourself over to a process, if that process seems void of meaningful purpose? I’ve come too far to stop believing that life has purpose … now!!
I won't bother reproducing those here; but I do want to touch on some of the salient features of the past year or so and the over-arching and consistent theme that has been the feature of my life over the past few years.
Firstly, it occurred to me (most profoundly) just today; that my life over the past 4-5 years has been dominated by a deep sense of loss.
Now I could 'spiritualise' that and say that the dominant theme has been one of ongoing and ever deeper levels of surrender! Which would also be true, but would not convey the sentiments, I need to share.
The former statement implies sadness, grief, despair, depression and what I have called 'psyche-ache'!
All of these and more would accurately describe portions of my life at various intervals over the period in question.
However, the latter statement seems to imply a voluntary process of surrendering to a benevolent God with the desire (at least one of the desires) being that of becoming more Christ-like!
I'm afraid that does not describe the process in my case; although it may describe the end result ... the jury is still out on that one!
Reflecting on the theme of loss, I could readily mention a few that come to mind, such as losing:
• My son to suicide - (October 2000)
• My best mate to a fatal heart attack - (January 2001)
• Respect for a denomination which betrayed me - (October 2003 to 2006)
• My family to the 'empty nest syndrome' - (2003 to 2005)
• My mother - (2005)
• My brother to an alcohol related death - (2006)
• My desire to continue 'Pastoring' - (2003 to 2007)
• Respect for the institutional Church - (2003 to 2007)
• Friends, family and peers by abandoning the 'Church' system
• My health to Prostate Cancer - (September 2007)
I could touch on many more occurrences which strongly impacted me during this period but suffice to say, that 'loss' has featured very profoundly. Now that's not to say that fear, insecurity, anxiety and a host of other emotions (particularly betrayal) haven't featured strongly; they have, but each one of those could be traced back to a deep sense of loss!
Just today, in considering our future it suddenly occurred to me, that I was feeling as though 'everything and everyone had been or is being stripped away from me' - and that included ALL earthly possessions as well! Let me explain.
Since my diagnosis, (confirming that I have an advanced case of Prostate Cancer) we have been re-considering our priorities in terms of: possessions; where we want to live; what we can afford by way of life style (particularly if I have to give up working) all, in light of the possibility that I may only have between 3 and 5 years to live.
Now, one very distinct possibility that we are seriously considering, is that of leaving Australia and joining our daughter (and her children) in Chile! Our daughter is a single mum, with two children under the age of 20 months; a doctor with her own practice; a university lecturer and a PhD student - next year.
Apart from missing our daughter terribly (and our grand children, one of which we have not yet seen) and being offered (both) very attractive employment propositions; I know we could also assist our daughter immeasurably!
However, on the down side; because of the expense incurred in such a move, it is most likely that we will have to sell or give away, all of our earthly possession; apart from, our clothing; certain personal affects; and a few sentimental items etc, those which can accompany us on the plane!
It was the thought of: 'selling or giving away'; a life-time of personal possessions, i.e. 'personal treasures' etc, which in some way, reflected: 'who we are' and 'where we have come from' that disturbed me most profoundly!
In one brief moment I felt as though I was being stripped naked and denied everything that I might otherwise call my own! I was to be left; with only certain items of clothing; a very few personal possessions; my (precious) wife; and my memories ... and boy that hit home!!
All the while, I was thinking ... have I got the strength to go through this - again??
Now, such difficult (even traumatic) life-periods are not new to me; either in intensity or duration. But on each earlier occasion, I have always been able to discern what appeared to me to be, a 'valid and often necessary purpose'; even 'a moulding towards' such a purpose.
However, on this occasion I must admit; that the past 4-5 years seem to be void of any discernible purpose. And that's what mystifies me!! How do you give yourself over to a process, if that process seems void of meaningful purpose? I’ve come too far to stop believing that life has purpose … now!!
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