Guilty Your Honor!

I have not been up to posting for some time now as I have been running the gauntlet of ... 'erratic and opposing’ emotions!

Let me try to explain. Since receiving a 'worse than expected' prognosis:

"One estimate shows that, on average, 46% of patients with metastatic disease die about 22 months after diagnosis, and approximately 70% of all patients diagnosed with metastatic disease die within 5 years".

I have been struggling to come to terms with this as a real possibility. Now … I am still hopeful that I can beat the odds and that this (current prognosis) represents a pessimistic view of my chances anyway. But I guess what 'set me off' was the realisation that if something is going to go wrong, particularly in my case, then it probably will!

Remember Murphy's Law? Well, my name may not be Murphy; (although I am of Irish descent) but I have had to endure much more than my fair share of (often rare) illnesses and (strange) accidents in my lifetime! Couple this with the fact that I have been struggling with issues relating to my faith and you have the recipe for deep despair!

I have found myself vacillating often, between anger and deep sorrow and regret, for some time now. So much so, that I have recently, been 'serving out' a self-imposed period of isolation from all contact with other people - I simply have not trusted myself. I have been afraid, either of hurting others, or of being hurt by them! It just seemed easier to avoid everyone.


Anger, whilst it can be very destructive can also be constructive. That is, when I have hit rock bottom, in terms of despair and hopelessness; I eventually reach the place where the ‘worm finally turns’ and I get so angry that I cry out to anyone who will listen: “Nooooo ... I don’t deserve this”!!

I used to teach that depression is simply ‘anger turned inside out’. What I now understand (more profoundly) is that the two actually ‘feed off’ each other creating an almost self-perpetuating cycle of self-loathing followed by anger towards others, both pivoting upon the fulcrum of GUILT!


I remember, a while back, it was quite common for people in my circle of acquaintances to be asking one another:

"What would you do next (in your life) if you knew that you only had a couple of years to live"?

Now this was invariably asked in the context of 'motivating' people to consider “improving their life-choices” etc, but NEVER did I imagine that I would be considering that question for REAL!

Back then, I (like many others) had several (pat) answers to that question. However, now that I am faced with that question for real; I find it incredibly difficult to come up with even a semi plausible answer.

Then … we were only talking about hypotheticals; now … well now … it’s for real. Now … I have to think about leaving my wife (in particular) in as sound a position (financially etc) as possible. And so the thought of simply racing off to fulfil some life ambition, or some long-held dream, – as in make the most of the time you have left - seems very irresponsible !

Perhaps I am wrong, but simply selling everything and buying a ‘motor home’ and launching out on some great new adventure; while … ‘I still have the strength' … just seems plain wrong; besides it simply doesn't have the appeal that I thought it might.

And so, where does all this leave me? Not really sure yet ... but I think I'm getting closer!

More on my 'Anger'

With the advantage of hindsight, I can now see [more clearly] why my anger surfaced yesterday. The simple answer is:

"I had reason to be angry". While true, this is not the whole story.

A possible answer:

"I haven't been processing my anger progressively and ran into the proverbial 'straw that broke the camel's back'"! Close but again not the whole story.

Another possible answer:

"Denial ... hmmm, this one could be on the money"!

But what have I been denying in regard to my anger? Or, to put it another way, what have I been so angry about that I have been unconsciously denying exists?

This is where it gets painful! I have unconsciously [or consciously] blocked certain memories, hurts, painful memories etc because I DON'T want to face them! Logical ... but NOT healthy! No one to blame here but myself. Now, this begs the question ...what is it that I don't want to face ... hmm? Well, two things spring quickly to mind:

1. My faith in God - This one, I'll deal with over at 'Out of the Shadows' in a later post. This, is very complex, and is related to ...
2. The overwhelming sense of failure I feel - Now this one has several facets.

Firstly, the overwhelming sense of failure that I now feel, is very closely associated with the 'Deep sense of Loss' which I previously wrote about.

Although I could go back and dredge up a great many 'failures' to satiate this need to understand where my sense of failure is coming from; I will resist that 'red herring' and instead go after the real culprit/s!

The latest gnawing in my gut; in relation to the profound sense of failure that I'm struggling with; I can assign chiefly to; 'my preceived failure as a husband and as a parent'!

At the moment, the glass is definitely 'half empty'! Try as I might, I cannot seem to get past the emotional response of guilt! I 'know in my head' ... that the guilt I'm feeling is out of proportion, and not the whole story.

It seems to me that I'm unconsciously doing a 'life audit' at the moment and [obviously] coming up short ... [so far at least] ... i.e. heavily weighted on the negative side! I should add at this point, that recent news regarding my 'prognosis' has left me more than a little flat and is undoubtedly responsible in some part for this phenomenon.

This, reminds me of the numerous times [as a Minister of Religion] that I have sat with the 'dying', while they consider their life's accomplishments and ask: "... did I do anything worthwhile with my life ... have I done enough ... could I have done more"?

Now there is no simple answer to that question. How can you weigh a life's worth? And against what standard would you attempt to do so?

In my case, why am I even considering something now, which usually occurs closer to death! Hmm ... now ... I think I'm onto something! Part of me, has 'had enough' and simply wants to 'end it'! Ah hah!

Well that makes sense ... after all ... I am dying right?!

Noooo!

At least not just yet! But I guess this latest phenomenon and my response to it, simply means I'm normal.

Deep Sense of LOSS

Over the last year or so, a great deal has taken place in my life; snippets of which can be found among these pages.

I won't bother reproducing those here; but I do want to touch on some of the salient features of the past year or so and the over-arching and consistent theme that has been the feature of my life over the past few years.

Firstly, it occurred to me (most profoundly) just today; that my life over the past 4-5 years has been dominated by a deep sense of loss.

Now I could 'spiritualise' that and say that the dominant theme has been one of ongoing and ever deeper levels of surrender! Which would also be true, but would not convey the sentiments, I need to share.

The former statement implies sadness, grief, despair, depression and what I have called 'psyche-ache'!

All of these and more would accurately describe portions of my life at various intervals over the period in question.

However, the latter statement seems to imply a voluntary process of surrendering to a benevolent God with the desire (at least one of the desires) being that of becoming more Christ-like!

I'm afraid that does not describe the process in my case; although it may describe the end result ... the jury is still out on that one!


Reflecting on the theme of loss, I could readily mention a few that come to mind, such as losing:

• My son to suicide - (October 2000)

• My best mate to a fatal heart attack - (January 2001)

• Respect for a denomination which betrayed me - (October 2003 to 2006)

• My family to the 'empty nest syndrome' - (2003 to 2005)

• My mother - (2005)

• My brother to an alcohol related death - (2006)

• My desire to continue 'Pastoring' - (2003 to 2007)

• Respect for the institutional Church - (2003 to 2007)

• Friends, family and peers by abandoning the 'Church' system

• My health to Prostate Cancer - (September 2007)

I could touch on many more occurrences which strongly impacted me during this period but suffice to say, that 'loss' has featured very profoundly. Now that's not to say that fear, insecurity, anxiety and a host of other emotions (particularly betrayal) haven't featured strongly; they have, but each one of those could be traced back to a deep sense of loss!

Just today, in considering our future it suddenly occurred to me, that I was feeling as though 'everything and everyone had been or is being stripped away from me' - and that included ALL earthly possessions as well! Let me explain.

Since my diagnosis, (confirming that I have an advanced case of Prostate Cancer) we have been re-considering our priorities in terms of: possessions; where we want to live; what we can afford by way of life style (particularly if I have to give up working) all, in light of the possibility that I may only have between 3 and 5 years to live.

Now, one very distinct possibility that we are seriously considering, is that of leaving Australia and joining our daughter (and her children) in Chile! Our daughter is a single mum, with two children under the age of 20 months; a doctor with her own practice; a university lecturer and a PhD student - next year.

Apart from missing our daughter terribly (and our grand children, one of which we have not yet seen) and being offered (both) very attractive employment propositions; I know we could also assist our daughter immeasurably!

However, on the down side; because of the expense incurred in such a move, it is most likely that we will have to sell or give away, all of our earthly possession; apart from, our clothing; certain personal affects; and a few sentimental items etc, those which can accompany us on the plane!

It was the thought of: 'selling or giving away'; a life-time of personal possessions, i.e. 'personal treasures' etc, which in some way, reflected: 'who we are' and 'where we have come from' that disturbed me most profoundly!

In one brief moment I felt as though I was being stripped naked and denied everything that I might otherwise call my own! I was to be left; with only certain items of clothing; a very few personal possessions; my (precious) wife; and my memories ... and boy that hit home!!

All the while, I was thinking ... have I got the strength to go through this - again??

Now, such difficult (even traumatic) life-periods are not new to me; either in intensity or duration. But on each earlier occasion, I have always been able to discern what appeared to me to be, a 'valid and often necessary purpose'; even 'a moulding towards' such a purpose.

However, on this occasion I must admit; that the past 4-5 years seem to be void of any discernible purpose. And that's what mystifies me!! How do you give yourself over to a process, if that process seems void of meaningful purpose? I’ve come too far to stop believing that life has purpose … now!!

Now What?

Lost in the Fog

The first couple of days after receiving the news about my Prostate Cancer were a blur. Life continued on, much the same as usual; at least for me. I simply willed myself to become deeply engrossed in each day's various activities ... lots of hiding places there!

Soon however, I had to admit that this particular strategy couldn't last. First of all, it was just far too wearing on my emotional life! Also I was pretty sure that this (rather selfish) strategy was having an adverse affect on Marg.

So, I did the only thing , a proud, red blooded, macho Aussie male could do ... I spoke honestly about my feelings to my wife, and we both ... simply dissolved into tears and embraced for the longest time.

I can't explain nor adequately describe, the emotions that welled up in my heart during that time. All I know is that I have never felt so loved; and never have I felt more intense emotions for anyone, than in those amazing moments locked in each others arms!

As I drifted off to sleep that night, I recall thinking, that I simply wasn't ready to let go of the woman I had loved for almost 4 decades; nor was she prepared or willing to undergo such a fate.

"I'm not ready to die" ... I told myself ... "I'm simply not ready yet"!

Later that Night...

Marg and I barely spoke on the drive home from the doctor's surgery; we were both still too stunned. As the evening wore on however, the conversation turned to: 'best case' vs 'worst case' scenarios, and progressed to; when and how, we should tell the family.

Later that night ... we lay huddled together - sobbing. At first, words seemed superfluous and then, any attempt to speak was choked off by intense and sporadic sobbing.

Words were not necessary that night, we just needed to hold onto each other as tightly as possible. Eventually sleep would come and we would relinguish our hold on each and slip off into the realm of dreams (and dreads). But for now we lay their locked in a tight embrace.

So many thoughts ran through my mind that night as the hours drifted slowly by. I thought about the journey that had been my life. I remembered some deeply moving moments that touched my soul. Some moments of sheer joy also called for my attention.

Of course, there were other memories too ... sad ones, those that illicited powerful feelings of regret. There were also very painful memories; memories which I had tried hard not to remember.

All of these things, and so much more, I realised had helped shaped me into the person I am today. If I were to erase any of them, I thought; I would somehow be diminishing my own personhood. I decided to hold onto ALL of my memories and cherish them - the good, the bad and the ugly.

I remember looking at Marg, as she lay there eyes closed and caught up (I'm sure) in her own remembering; this was the woman that I loved; I wasn't ready to let her go! We had been married for more than 35 years, and, for either one of us to even consider the possibility of (permanent) separation, now ... or in the near future ... was too painful to consider.

The First Real Inkling...

When I was first informed that I had 'prostate cancer', by a local GP, I was really surprised by how calm I was - it was surreal!

I mean ... I know I heard the doctor say:

"It's NOT good news I'm afraid" ... and then something about: "I will give you a referral to a Urologist who will be better able to explain what the next steps need to be".

But even though the information was received, my emotions were obviously in 'lockdown mode'!

I should also explain that this was not my regular GP - he was away on Holidays at the time. This, probably helped; as neither of us had ever 'clapped eyes on each other' before that day.

I remember saying as we were preparing to leave the surgery sometime afterwards:

"OK, so I know I have prostate cancer and we are going to investigate that further; but what about my high cholesterol levels? What should we do about that"?

Amazingly (or amazed) the doctor simply returned a look; which interpreted, could have meant:

"What the ... *censored* ... are you for real"!

I'll never really be sure though, as no comment was passed; and, we have not crossed paths again!

Leaving the surgery that day, I guess I was in shock. It took quite a while before I finally allowed myself to consider the ramifications of what I had been told!

That's when the emotions began to (progressively) ... 'rear their ugly head'!