Letter from Lauren
After receiving her father’s letter, Lauren wrote back in words and emotions ‘unbridled’. Still ‘raw’ from the overwhelming impact of the news, Lauren simply allowed her heart to speak …
Hey Dad...
Well, I've spent the better part of the day processing the news. I've cried rivers of tear and told God to fuck off which is a word I never use, that's of course if there is a God as we speak of - I have my doubts these days and I'm pissed that he's picking off my family.
I read through the report and you're right it doesn't look good - and I'm trying to put it nice, for my own sake. The doctor in me doesn't see much hope, the daughter in me will fight to my own death to give you as long as possible and hope against all odds for a miracle. I'm just crushed, really. I'm not ready to say goodbye to my Dad.
I never expected to be facing this so soon in life; you are so strong and have always seemed invincible. I mean, hell, you've died three times and still made it back! I don't understand why your life would be cut short. It doesn't seem right or fair. You've done nothing but give and give and this is the karma that comes back?!
I don't want this to be happening. I keep hoping that there's a mistake or this is all a bad dream that I will soon awake from. I've got tears streaming down my face while I write this, my eyes so blurred it's difficult to type.
It's selfish but I keep thinking of myself and that's it's not fair that my Dad I love so much is being ripped from me. It's not fair that I will be left without my Dad. What will I do without my Dad? Dad's are the first men we love and who love us back and losing that is heart-wrenching. Who will I run to when I'm in trouble?
I've always counted on my Dad being there for me. You've always been there for me. I know it's selfish but that’s part of how I feel. I look at Banjo and Matilda and I cry because I want them to grow up knowing you. I don't want to be cheering Banjo on from the sidelines in years to come as he plays football or soccer and be thinking ' I wish Dad were here to see him'. I don't want to be thinking 'I wish Dad could see her, he'd be so proud' when Matilda wins a race or gets her first 'A'. I don't want to be celebrating my birthdays each year without you present.
I want you to be here when I get my first book published. I want you to be here when I finish my PhD. I want you to see me when I'm at the height of my professional career and achieving what I've worked so hard for, what you've worked so hard for.
A great part of who I am today is because of you and it's not fair that you won't be around to see the result of all your effort and sacrifice. I don't even know if I could achieve what I want without you in my life. We may not be in constant contact with the distance between us, but the fact that you are there allows me to strive and achieve. You're the left hemisphere... I need you.
It's ambitious but I always daydream of one day being President of the international sexual health society, or running the sexual health programme of the World Health Organisation, or maybe getting a Nobel prize (now we're really dreaming). And as I accept my award/position I always picture you in the audience cheering my on proudly, and I dedicate my achievement to you and Mum. It kills me to imagine that dream without you in it and instead picture myself paying tribute to your memory with tears on stage.
It's too soon to be thinking about losing my Dad, and you're so young and healthy, it's just surreal and completely unjust. There's still so much you have to teach me, so many stories to tell me, so many things you have to do. I'm glad that you have spent so much time on your book and the family tree because in losing you I feel like I will lose a big part of the family history. I will lose a big part of myself because part of my identity I find in you and a big part of who I am is linked to you.
You are the one who always understands me. I have so much of you in me that you know me so well and no one else knows me like you do. I don't know what I will do without you in my life. It's a strange thing to know that someone you love is dying; it's like being in a constant state of mourning. I go about my life but it's always present in my mind and every now and then I just stop and think 'my Dad's dying'.
On the positive side, knowing permits me to plan to spend time with you doing things that I would want to before it is too late. Knowing ahead of time assures me of being able to say goodbye as I would like to. Not that I would like to, I don't even want to think about that. I don't know how I will pick up the pieces of my heart that will surely shatter into 1,000 fragments in the moment that you slip away from me.
I'm really disappointed with Bob and how he has responded to the news, even a stranger would have a more emotive reaction. I can't believe that he is my brother, the same one that I once felt so close to and loved so dearly. I will respect your wish and not interfere in the relationship (or lack of) that you have with him, as long as it is what you want. I do wish that there could be a reconciliation, I believe Bob will regret it for the rest of his life if he misses the chance to be by his Dad's side when he needs it most and give back even just a little of all the love that you have given him.
My mind keeps spinning and going back to so many different memories from my childhood, remembering things we did together, moments we shared, and conversations we had. You're my Dad; I'm your little girl... I can't imagine losing you. It's your blood that pumps through my veins; it's your energy and love that spurs me on. You're not supposed to lose your Dad like this, not so early, not so suddenly.
I'm sorry I'm going on and on about me, this should be all about you, I just can't separate myself and all that I will lose in losing you from this. I worry about Mum too. I can't imagine how it must be to, after so many years of life with someone you love, be facing the possibility of losing them and being left alone. She won't be alone though. I want you to know that Mum will never be alone or want for anything. I promise you that I will always be by her side and ensure she is provided for; she will live with me if she'd have it that way.
I love you and Mum with all my heart and it kills me to think about losing either one of you. I have always had trouble thinking about the day when I will attend your funerals and speak of the great man and woman that you were. I never in my wildest dream thought that either of those days would come before my 40's though.
I'm going to see about organising more trips to visit in the next year, I need and want to spend as much time with you as possible. I still have so much to learn from you and there are so many things to share. I want you to come and stay here too if you want to. You should plan to come and stay here for at least 3 months to let me show you a really good time and for you to hold and play with your grandbabies who will want to know all about their grandad and what an awesome man he was. Please consider it.
If I can do anything at all for you or Mum let me know. I wish I could be there and I'm going to be there more often. Keep me up to date with the test results; you know I will be bugging you. I'm still holding out for a miracle, I just can't accept that there could nor should be a life without my Dad.
I love you!
Lauren.
Ps - Excuse the errors and raw emotions I'm not proof-reading this, you can't edit the words that the heart sings.
After receiving her father’s letter, Lauren wrote back in words and emotions ‘unbridled’. Still ‘raw’ from the overwhelming impact of the news, Lauren simply allowed her heart to speak …
Hey Dad...
Well, I've spent the better part of the day processing the news. I've cried rivers of tear and told God to fuck off which is a word I never use, that's of course if there is a God as we speak of - I have my doubts these days and I'm pissed that he's picking off my family.
I read through the report and you're right it doesn't look good - and I'm trying to put it nice, for my own sake. The doctor in me doesn't see much hope, the daughter in me will fight to my own death to give you as long as possible and hope against all odds for a miracle. I'm just crushed, really. I'm not ready to say goodbye to my Dad.
I never expected to be facing this so soon in life; you are so strong and have always seemed invincible. I mean, hell, you've died three times and still made it back! I don't understand why your life would be cut short. It doesn't seem right or fair. You've done nothing but give and give and this is the karma that comes back?!
I don't want this to be happening. I keep hoping that there's a mistake or this is all a bad dream that I will soon awake from. I've got tears streaming down my face while I write this, my eyes so blurred it's difficult to type.
It's selfish but I keep thinking of myself and that's it's not fair that my Dad I love so much is being ripped from me. It's not fair that I will be left without my Dad. What will I do without my Dad? Dad's are the first men we love and who love us back and losing that is heart-wrenching. Who will I run to when I'm in trouble?
I've always counted on my Dad being there for me. You've always been there for me. I know it's selfish but that’s part of how I feel. I look at Banjo and Matilda and I cry because I want them to grow up knowing you. I don't want to be cheering Banjo on from the sidelines in years to come as he plays football or soccer and be thinking ' I wish Dad were here to see him'. I don't want to be thinking 'I wish Dad could see her, he'd be so proud' when Matilda wins a race or gets her first 'A'. I don't want to be celebrating my birthdays each year without you present.
I want you to be here when I get my first book published. I want you to be here when I finish my PhD. I want you to see me when I'm at the height of my professional career and achieving what I've worked so hard for, what you've worked so hard for.
A great part of who I am today is because of you and it's not fair that you won't be around to see the result of all your effort and sacrifice. I don't even know if I could achieve what I want without you in my life. We may not be in constant contact with the distance between us, but the fact that you are there allows me to strive and achieve. You're the left hemisphere... I need you.
It's ambitious but I always daydream of one day being President of the international sexual health society, or running the sexual health programme of the World Health Organisation, or maybe getting a Nobel prize (now we're really dreaming). And as I accept my award/position I always picture you in the audience cheering my on proudly, and I dedicate my achievement to you and Mum. It kills me to imagine that dream without you in it and instead picture myself paying tribute to your memory with tears on stage.
It's too soon to be thinking about losing my Dad, and you're so young and healthy, it's just surreal and completely unjust. There's still so much you have to teach me, so many stories to tell me, so many things you have to do. I'm glad that you have spent so much time on your book and the family tree because in losing you I feel like I will lose a big part of the family history. I will lose a big part of myself because part of my identity I find in you and a big part of who I am is linked to you.
You are the one who always understands me. I have so much of you in me that you know me so well and no one else knows me like you do. I don't know what I will do without you in my life. It's a strange thing to know that someone you love is dying; it's like being in a constant state of mourning. I go about my life but it's always present in my mind and every now and then I just stop and think 'my Dad's dying'.
On the positive side, knowing permits me to plan to spend time with you doing things that I would want to before it is too late. Knowing ahead of time assures me of being able to say goodbye as I would like to. Not that I would like to, I don't even want to think about that. I don't know how I will pick up the pieces of my heart that will surely shatter into 1,000 fragments in the moment that you slip away from me.
I'm really disappointed with Bob and how he has responded to the news, even a stranger would have a more emotive reaction. I can't believe that he is my brother, the same one that I once felt so close to and loved so dearly. I will respect your wish and not interfere in the relationship (or lack of) that you have with him, as long as it is what you want. I do wish that there could be a reconciliation, I believe Bob will regret it for the rest of his life if he misses the chance to be by his Dad's side when he needs it most and give back even just a little of all the love that you have given him.
My mind keeps spinning and going back to so many different memories from my childhood, remembering things we did together, moments we shared, and conversations we had. You're my Dad; I'm your little girl... I can't imagine losing you. It's your blood that pumps through my veins; it's your energy and love that spurs me on. You're not supposed to lose your Dad like this, not so early, not so suddenly.
I'm sorry I'm going on and on about me, this should be all about you, I just can't separate myself and all that I will lose in losing you from this. I worry about Mum too. I can't imagine how it must be to, after so many years of life with someone you love, be facing the possibility of losing them and being left alone. She won't be alone though. I want you to know that Mum will never be alone or want for anything. I promise you that I will always be by her side and ensure she is provided for; she will live with me if she'd have it that way.
I love you and Mum with all my heart and it kills me to think about losing either one of you. I have always had trouble thinking about the day when I will attend your funerals and speak of the great man and woman that you were. I never in my wildest dream thought that either of those days would come before my 40's though.
I'm going to see about organising more trips to visit in the next year, I need and want to spend as much time with you as possible. I still have so much to learn from you and there are so many things to share. I want you to come and stay here too if you want to. You should plan to come and stay here for at least 3 months to let me show you a really good time and for you to hold and play with your grandbabies who will want to know all about their grandad and what an awesome man he was. Please consider it.
If I can do anything at all for you or Mum let me know. I wish I could be there and I'm going to be there more often. Keep me up to date with the test results; you know I will be bugging you. I'm still holding out for a miracle, I just can't accept that there could nor should be a life without my Dad.
I love you!
Lauren.
Ps - Excuse the errors and raw emotions I'm not proof-reading this, you can't edit the words that the heart sings.
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