Ponderings ...

I've been back at work for nearly three weeks now and much has happened. Firstly, I feel so much stronger! This is of course, very welcomed news for my wife and I. Although officially, I'm still looking at a prognosis of 3-5 years. I am pleased to say however, that the way I feel, belies this!

On 8th February, I'm due to have my next PSA (blood) test. This will hopefully show that my PSA reading has fallen even further.

I began this journey (with cancer) on 27th September last year with a PSA reading of 84.8!! This was later confirmed, and weight was added to the gravity of my circumstances; when I was found to have a 'Gleason Index' of '9' (out of 10) thus indicating that my particular cancer was the most 'aggressive' kind!

Now after two months of continuous 'hormone therapy' I'm beginning to find more reason for hope.

Firstly, the (many) side effects that I was suffering, have for the most part, abandoned their quest and left me with ... of all things ... more energy! Almost to good to be true, but I'll take it!

Secondly, I have begun to lose weight - slowly. This I attribute to two things:

(1) A very healthy (and strict) diet.

(2) A lot of exercise (mostly at work).

A Weight Lifted

Now, with the weight of the adverse side effects 'lifted', I am not so constantly reminded of my condition. This means I have actually been able to trully forget that I could only have 3-5 years to live and dare to embrace ... LIFE ... again.

And so, over the past couple of weeks, I have had time to ponder what the future might look like.

I may for instance:

Find myself once again in Ministry. A position has beckoned and we have begun the process of determining if this is the way forward.

Or, I may find myself heading up the English Department of a Medical University in Chile. Here too a position is beckoning!

Of course, there is always the possibility of a 'wild card' i.e. something from 'left field' may suddenly intrude and demand our attention.

Smart Money

Right now however, the 'smart money' is on the Chile option! Why you ask?

Well ... the first possibility, while it contains an opportunity for my 'faith' (in 'Church' i.e. the 'church system' and 'Christians' - there are christians and there are Christians!) to be restored; it also contains a risk. If this is not the correct path, many are likely to be hurt; myself included. I'm not sure that I'm sufficiently healed to take the chance - for ALL concerned! (See Heart Unburdened)

The second possibility however, well ... that is 'where my heart is'. The risk associated with this? I may disappoint those dearest to me!

I ache with an intensity, I've not known before; my 'calling draws me one way; but my heart wages valiantly against it'!

But the heart (the bible declares) is deceitful above all things! Who can really trust their heart; especially when so much is at stake? I am afraid that the wounds of the past still affect my present judgement and my confidence!

The third possibility; well who knows?

But, one thing I do know; come June we will have an answer. Should all other options remain unresolved; we head off to Chile!

Why?

Well ... my 'job' will soon contain increased responsibilities, which my body will not be able to 'keep up with' - at least not for long, without adversely affecting my health. And without the job we can no longer afford to live where we currently reside.

Therefore a 'move' would be imminent.

Added to this; with so much uncertainty surrounding our future, we need:

(1) Closure regarding our past; and

(2) A sense of direction (i.e. some certainty) regarding our future.

We are no longer willing (or able) to live without these ... come what may!

Some News from my Diary

Well the holidays are over and I've been back at work for a week now. The past 3 weeks have been very interesting in terms of the number of side effects that I have experienced. For example, as noted in my diary...


28/12/2007:

• Fatigue was becoming unbearable over the last week! Thank God it has begun to ease.
• Shortness of breath (minimal exertion) has also been a worry, but has started to ease also.
• Unfortunately the 'hot flushes' continue to disrupt my sleep throughout the night.
• Night time 'urination' is still at 3 trips per night!

1/1/2008:

• My weight (fully clothed) has jumped from 85 - 90 kg! Increased exercise regime since on Holidays but will have to watch my diet!
• Unfortunately the 'hot flushes' continue to disrupt my sleep throughout the night.
• Night time 'urination' is still at 3 trips per night!

2/1/2008:

• Away on Kayaking trip - determined to enjoy the break.
• Shortness of breath and fatigue back again - just walking - not sure about kayaking?
• Unfortunately the 'hot flushes' continue to disrupt my sleep throughout the night.
• Night time 'urination' is down to 2 trips per night!

3/1/2008:

• Went kayaking in spite of fatigue.
• Enjoyed a light workout - lake a bit rough.
• Increased energy after kayaking?? Possibly adrenalin?
• Learning to 'push through' fatigue; but sleep/diet is then even more important!
• Unfortunately the 'hot flushes' continue to disrupt my sleep throughout the night.
• Night time 'urination' is down to 2 trips per night!

4/1/2008:

• Another good day ... pushed through fatigue.
• Unfortunately the 'hot flushes' continue to disrupt my sleep throughout the night.
• Night time 'urination' is at 2 trips per night!

7/1/2008:

• Back at work.
• Increased walking (at work) provides a good aerobics workout, but is draining.
• Shortness of breath throughout the day.
• Very tired after work.
• Unfortunately the 'hot flushes' continue to disrupt my sleep throughout the night.
• Night time 'urination' is at 2 trips per night!

8/1/2008:

• Feeling 'down' having to fight through.
• Increased walking (at work) although a good aerobics workout, is quite draining.
• Very tired all day.
• Some 'chest tightness.'
• Shortness of breath thorughout the day.
• Slept for an hour and a half after arriving home.
• In bed at 8:00pm!
• Unfortunately the 'hot flushes' continue to disrupt my sleep throughout the night.
• Night time 'urination' is at 1 trip per night!!

9/1/2008:

• Tired still evident but improved.
• Increased walking (at work) very draining - will adjust.
• Stressful day.
• Concerned about ongoing fatigue.
• Slept for over an hour after arriving home.
• In bed at 8:00pm!
• Unfortunately the 'hot flushes' continue to disrupt my sleep throughout the night.
• Night time 'urination' is still at 1 trip per night!!

10/1/2008:

• Lost 1kg in weight!!
• Adjusting to increased walking (at work) - not as draining.
• Fatigue improving.
• No tightness of chest!
• No shortness of breath!
• No after work nap!
• Unfortunately the 'hot flushes' continue to disrupt my sleep throughout the night.
• Night time 'urination' is still at 1 trip per night!!

11/1/2008:

• Yahoo!! My rostered day off!

Hidden Purpose

In a letter to my daughter recently, I wrote:

"I cannot conceive of a universe, whose genesis was chaos and whose progress is a result of the random collision of complex occurrences. The universe I see contains order and purpose; but its dimensions and complexities far outstrip our puny intellects and dwarf our most vivid imaginations. Such a universe can only be conceived in the heart of God and therefore sustained, held in balance and directed by his supreme power".

Now when I penned that paragraph, I was desperately seeking to make sense of my life as it is.

Faced with a dire prognosis, (i.e. a life expectancy of: at best, 3-5 years) as a result of having been recently diagnosed with: "an incurable and advanced case of Prostate Cancer" ... life suddenly: HAD to have meaning and purpose!

I have searched my soul. I have prayed ... intensely. I have even resorted to begging God; but still, I can make no sense of my current circumstances!

Of course, many would refute, out of hand; my earlier assertion regarding life having an over-arching purpose. Be that as it may; my search for purpose is not based on a desperate and/or belated need to find the meaning of life! Nor on some grandiose notion concerning my own value or worth etc. Nor, do I care what others may think! This search is very personal and much, much deeper and far more profound than I can describe.

My best effort to do so would be to see myself pitted against the 'supreme power' of the Universe and demanding (yes ... demanding) an explanation of him!

Some might consider that this, sounds very reminiscent of the 'Job story'! I wouldn't dispute such an assertion. In fact I have often thought of my life as one ... long ... 'Job story'!!

But even Job's story had purpose!!

I can suffer loss ... even the loss of all things precious. I can suffer the loss of my health, my wealth, my reputation, even my own life - I have already been dead [clinically] on 3 separate occasions. I can even suffer the loss of those closest to me - my youngest son, took his own life 7 years ago.

All these I can embrace if need be, but to do so without the belief that somehow a 'higher purpose' is served ... that I CANNOT do!

That, I WILL NOT do! Not willingly at least! And so I fight!!

Ironically, in times past; I have found myself asking God to: "please just let me go ... I've had enough". Such times have always occured at the darkest, most confusing, fearful and agonising of moments; but on every occasion I have received the strength and will to fight!

Death will come to me one day; and by the grace of God I will embrace it willingly. But the very fact that I have the strength and desire to fight, inspite of the profound side effects I endure and the negative prognosis; gives me hope that life (for me) will continue for some time yet; and yes, it WILL contain some (as yet undisclosed) purpose!