Letter to Lauren

After receiving and reading Lauren's letter; I was far too emotionally spent to write back. I needed 'alone time' ... my heart was breaking.

I longed to hold my daughter tightly and to assure her that everything would be OK.

Finally I felt ready to put pen to paper and simply let my heart dictate my response.

Hi Lauren,

I am sorry that you now have to experience such profound sorrow and at such a young age - I wish it could be otherwise.

I too have run the gauntlet of mixed and powerful emotions on more than one occasion. I have cried more tears than I care to remember. I have been angry, sad, fearful and despairing. But as powerful as these emotions are; nothing has eclipsed the aching, gnawing, sense of incredible, inconsolable grief and loss that churns relentlessly deep within me.

I still yearn for so many things. Life is so precious; and yet sadly, we all seem to take it for granted until some momentous milestone moment comes along to hit us fair in the face.

I still dream of a world that can be a much better place; even though my faith, in its many and varied expressions, has been horribly shattered and bears little resemblance to that of my youth.

I have been hurt by those closest to me and the scars still refuse to heal. I have lost a son to suicide; beguiled as he was by the deceptive poison of the ancient serpent spewing forth falsehoods in the guise of profound truths and noble sacrifice. I have known these and many other vast chasms of dread and despair, but I have climbed mountains too – and more than once.

From atop some lofty peak of human endeavour, I have glimpsed God. I have walked where the tallest among us roam. I have witnessed the best in human endeavour and wandered among true nobility – so rare these days. My life has been full! I want these things for you also - all of them.

Do not try to avoid human suffering, for in doing so you only diminish your own humanity. Sadly, many never glimpse the incredible potential, that is latent within us all and which enables us to overcome against all odds; becoming both a conqueror and yet, one who is deeply humbled and much wiser for having embraced a life-altering event, granted to them.

Never fear to venture out on ‘the road less travelled’; for there, the ‘greats’ have journeyed; and there you will find the true meaning of life; a life in all its magnificent fullness, which is both elusive and illusory; and far too frightening for most mere mortals. But you are not among them.

You have begun the journey that leads to truth and purpose. You have made a good start. Embrace the journey in its entirety, even the moments you might long to forget, for there is purpose in them.

I cannot conceive of a universe, whose genesis was chaos and whose progress is a result of the random collision of complex occurrences. The universe I see contains order and purpose; but its dimensions and complexities far outstrip our puny intellects and dwarf our most vivid imaginations. Such a universe can only be conceived in the heart of God and therefore sustained, held in balance and directed by his supreme power.

I do not fear dying, for as you say, I have experienced death; not once but three times. What I fear most is NOT accomplishing the purpose for which my life was made manifest. Fear however, is not my greatest enemy at this time … GRIEF … is.

My most powerful, negative emotions revolve around leaving behind those most precious to me. And you, my dearest daughter, are chief among these …bar one … your mother!

My love for you is immense; my esteem for you, boundless. You encapsulate, in one, gifted individual; all that I would aspire to in so many ways. How could I not miss you terribly? How could I ever willingly choose to leave you? But I am comforted by the fact that I live in your heart and you in mine – FOREVER!

I have not given up … please know this!

I have begun, yet another momentous battle for ‘truth and purpose’. I intend to embrace all that comes along, with the overwhelming and over-arching sense of victory, which grows daily within my heart. The wisdom of God is my compass and his Spirit my ever present companion.

I love you beyond words … Dad