Deep Sense of LOSS

Over the last year or so, a great deal has taken place in my life; snippets of which can be found among these pages.

I won't bother reproducing those here; but I do want to touch on some of the salient features of the past year or so and the over-arching and consistent theme that has been the feature of my life over the past few years.

Firstly, it occurred to me (most profoundly) just today; that my life over the past 4-5 years has been dominated by a deep sense of loss.

Now I could 'spiritualise' that and say that the dominant theme has been one of ongoing and ever deeper levels of surrender! Which would also be true, but would not convey the sentiments, I need to share.

The former statement implies sadness, grief, despair, depression and what I have called 'psyche-ache'!

All of these and more would accurately describe portions of my life at various intervals over the period in question.

However, the latter statement seems to imply a voluntary process of surrendering to a benevolent God with the desire (at least one of the desires) being that of becoming more Christ-like!

I'm afraid that does not describe the process in my case; although it may describe the end result ... the jury is still out on that one!


Reflecting on the theme of loss, I could readily mention a few that come to mind, such as losing:

• My son to suicide - (October 2000)

• My best mate to a fatal heart attack - (January 2001)

• Respect for a denomination which betrayed me - (October 2003 to 2006)

• My family to the 'empty nest syndrome' - (2003 to 2005)

• My mother - (2005)

• My brother to an alcohol related death - (2006)

• My desire to continue 'Pastoring' - (2003 to 2007)

• Respect for the institutional Church - (2003 to 2007)

• Friends, family and peers by abandoning the 'Church' system

• My health to Prostate Cancer - (September 2007)

I could touch on many more occurrences which strongly impacted me during this period but suffice to say, that 'loss' has featured very profoundly. Now that's not to say that fear, insecurity, anxiety and a host of other emotions (particularly betrayal) haven't featured strongly; they have, but each one of those could be traced back to a deep sense of loss!

Just today, in considering our future it suddenly occurred to me, that I was feeling as though 'everything and everyone had been or is being stripped away from me' - and that included ALL earthly possessions as well! Let me explain.

Since my diagnosis, (confirming that I have an advanced case of Prostate Cancer) we have been re-considering our priorities in terms of: possessions; where we want to live; what we can afford by way of life style (particularly if I have to give up working) all, in light of the possibility that I may only have between 3 and 5 years to live.

Now, one very distinct possibility that we are seriously considering, is that of leaving Australia and joining our daughter (and her children) in Chile! Our daughter is a single mum, with two children under the age of 20 months; a doctor with her own practice; a university lecturer and a PhD student - next year.

Apart from missing our daughter terribly (and our grand children, one of which we have not yet seen) and being offered (both) very attractive employment propositions; I know we could also assist our daughter immeasurably!

However, on the down side; because of the expense incurred in such a move, it is most likely that we will have to sell or give away, all of our earthly possession; apart from, our clothing; certain personal affects; and a few sentimental items etc, those which can accompany us on the plane!

It was the thought of: 'selling or giving away'; a life-time of personal possessions, i.e. 'personal treasures' etc, which in some way, reflected: 'who we are' and 'where we have come from' that disturbed me most profoundly!

In one brief moment I felt as though I was being stripped naked and denied everything that I might otherwise call my own! I was to be left; with only certain items of clothing; a very few personal possessions; my (precious) wife; and my memories ... and boy that hit home!!

All the while, I was thinking ... have I got the strength to go through this - again??

Now, such difficult (even traumatic) life-periods are not new to me; either in intensity or duration. But on each earlier occasion, I have always been able to discern what appeared to me to be, a 'valid and often necessary purpose'; even 'a moulding towards' such a purpose.

However, on this occasion I must admit; that the past 4-5 years seem to be void of any discernible purpose. And that's what mystifies me!! How do you give yourself over to a process, if that process seems void of meaningful purpose? I’ve come too far to stop believing that life has purpose … now!!

Still More Side Affects

The most recent addition to the stable (of 'side affects') is 'shortness of breath' and 'a tightness across the chest'! This is by far the most disconcerting to date.

Some days, I find I'm unable to climb a flight of a dozen or more steps without having to pause, rest a while and 'catch my breath'!

This is only a fairly recent happening and so I haven't as yet, managed to 'get a handle on it'. There is little doubt however, that this latest phenomenon is related to the subjects of the last two posts i.e. 'broken sleep' and 'fatigue'. But there also seems to be an element of anxiety and depression involved.


Depression

Depression has been skulking around all the while, it is never too far away. Depression has in fact been a constant battle since the day the 'news' (of Prostate Cancer) first broke.

Generally with the aid of a particular class of 'anti-depressant' (known as SSRI's or selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors) I have managed to stay abreast of this - for the most part.


Anxiety

'Anxiety' (fear) however, has only recently made an 'overt' appearance. Even though depression and anxiety are closely related, I was caught somewhat unawares on a number of occasions with the arrival of this latest visitor.

My reasoning to date regarding this latest challenge; goes something like: the 'shortness of breath' and 'tighness across the chest'; could be a genuine side affect (see this post) or a combination of side affect and anxiety, or it could simply be the onset of anxiety itself.

Fortunately, I have become quite adept over the years at using various techniques to relax and avoid the onset of an 'anxiety attack'.

Anxiety attacks can manifest in various ways, but in my (personal) experience they always 'mimick a heart attack'! Perhaps, therein lies a clue as to the source of my anxiety!?

Time to reconsider my action plan moving forward ...

• Diet - pretty much on target - check cholesterol levels. Medication?
• Exercise - aerobics OK, but need to introduce resistance training.
• Sleep improving - continue to experiment.
• Relaxation - introduce at least two sessions per day. Do something every day just for fun!!
• Medication - see doctor re possible anaemia - check blood pressure.
• Spirituality - meditate more regularly.
  
  

More on Side Affects

Another even more disruptive side affect, has recently reared its ugly head - 'persistent fatigue' (perhaps partially due to lack of quality sleep I spoke of in my last post).

This has meant that at most times throughout the day just lately, I have been lacking in strength and endurance (especially at work). Although I have at times experienced some relief when I was under 'pressure' and 'adrenalin' came to the rescue!

However, this was always short lived and of course was accompanied by its own 'downside' - tiredness etc - thus further compounding the issue!

Fatigue is particularly frustrating if you are otherwise fit and strong! I must admit, the male ego is not a 'friend' at times like these! It is amazing the 'battles' that you fight with yourself.

I am finding it particularly difficult to accept my condition these days. Instead, I tend to 'fight head on' ... the arrival of each new side affect. But I'm (slowly) finding that there is something to be said about a more measured approach. It is certainly far less taxing in the long run.

For example, I now try to: recognise the symptoms, link them (scientifically not emotionally) to a recognised side affect and then gradually (dependent upon your personal reserves - emotional, psychological and physical) apply a proven remedy - see 'My Journal'.

This is where my own research has proven invaluable. It is simply not practical to be ringing the doctor every time some new symptom arises. Also invaluable, is the fact that I have a select group of wonderful people who care and are there to offer support.

All of the research I have conducted, regarding improving your chances of defeating Prostate Cancer, has pointed to one recurring and crucial factor - support! I am very fortunate to have a loving wife, a compassionate and caring sister, a very supportive brother-in-law and a daughter who is constantly in touch although she lives half-a-world-away!

PSA Test Results

Last week, I attended our local GP's surgery for another blood test. Specifically, this blood test was to:


• Determine whether my PSA reading [previously 84.8] had begun to drop. Thus showing that the hormonal therapy I had been undergoing for a little over 4 weeks, had in fact begun to have the desired affect; and

• Determine whether my cholesterol readings had improved as a result of my [now] 'extremely healthy' diet.


I was told that it is quite normal for the PSA to rise after a trans-rectal biopsy. I was also told to bear in mind, that I had only begun the hormone therapy 4 weeks prior to the blood test. [Orally for the first two weeks, followed by an LHRH implant and continuing the oral regime until two weeks after the implant procedure].


Well ... the results are in!

And, as often happens, there is good news and bad news. The bad news relates to the fact that one of my readings had not altered at all!

My 'cholesterol level' has refused to budge!!

The good news ... well my PSA levels have gone down - very significantly!

My previous PSA was 84.8. It is now 12 [only one month after receiving the LHRH implant]!!