Time to Kill

Unfortunately, I was unable to obtain an appointment to see a local Urologist for a little over 3 weeks. This meant that we would need to live in a state of suspense until then.

In the meantime, I decided to set about researching the topic of Prostate Cancer and the various ‘therapies’ that were available in Australia and found that these were very much dependent upon a whole range of variables.

I also researched the various tests most often conducted when assessing a patients’ needs in regard to Prostate Cancer and possible treatment options.

At first, I must admit, I was a little overwhelmed at the complexity of this condition and the wide range of treatment options. Slowly however, I began to become familiar with the disease that had invaded my world; even down to understanding many of the medical terms and their significance.

I soon found that I was not content to research 'basic' information, I had soon graduated to studying medical journal articles. This information proved invaluable when (later) I was able to discuss my condition and preferred options with my Urologist in far greater detail.

Now What?

Lost in the Fog

The first couple of days after receiving the news about my Prostate Cancer were a blur. Life continued on, much the same as usual; at least for me. I simply willed myself to become deeply engrossed in each day's various activities ... lots of hiding places there!

Soon however, I had to admit that this particular strategy couldn't last. First of all, it was just far too wearing on my emotional life! Also I was pretty sure that this (rather selfish) strategy was having an adverse affect on Marg.

So, I did the only thing , a proud, red blooded, macho Aussie male could do ... I spoke honestly about my feelings to my wife, and we both ... simply dissolved into tears and embraced for the longest time.

I can't explain nor adequately describe, the emotions that welled up in my heart during that time. All I know is that I have never felt so loved; and never have I felt more intense emotions for anyone, than in those amazing moments locked in each others arms!

As I drifted off to sleep that night, I recall thinking, that I simply wasn't ready to let go of the woman I had loved for almost 4 decades; nor was she prepared or willing to undergo such a fate.

"I'm not ready to die" ... I told myself ... "I'm simply not ready yet"!

Later that Night...

Marg and I barely spoke on the drive home from the doctor's surgery; we were both still too stunned. As the evening wore on however, the conversation turned to: 'best case' vs 'worst case' scenarios, and progressed to; when and how, we should tell the family.

Later that night ... we lay huddled together - sobbing. At first, words seemed superfluous and then, any attempt to speak was choked off by intense and sporadic sobbing.

Words were not necessary that night, we just needed to hold onto each other as tightly as possible. Eventually sleep would come and we would relinguish our hold on each and slip off into the realm of dreams (and dreads). But for now we lay their locked in a tight embrace.

So many thoughts ran through my mind that night as the hours drifted slowly by. I thought about the journey that had been my life. I remembered some deeply moving moments that touched my soul. Some moments of sheer joy also called for my attention.

Of course, there were other memories too ... sad ones, those that illicited powerful feelings of regret. There were also very painful memories; memories which I had tried hard not to remember.

All of these things, and so much more, I realised had helped shaped me into the person I am today. If I were to erase any of them, I thought; I would somehow be diminishing my own personhood. I decided to hold onto ALL of my memories and cherish them - the good, the bad and the ugly.

I remember looking at Marg, as she lay there eyes closed and caught up (I'm sure) in her own remembering; this was the woman that I loved; I wasn't ready to let her go! We had been married for more than 35 years, and, for either one of us to even consider the possibility of (permanent) separation, now ... or in the near future ... was too painful to consider.

The First Real Inkling...

When I was first informed that I had 'prostate cancer', by a local GP, I was really surprised by how calm I was - it was surreal!

I mean ... I know I heard the doctor say:

"It's NOT good news I'm afraid" ... and then something about: "I will give you a referral to a Urologist who will be better able to explain what the next steps need to be".

But even though the information was received, my emotions were obviously in 'lockdown mode'!

I should also explain that this was not my regular GP - he was away on Holidays at the time. This, probably helped; as neither of us had ever 'clapped eyes on each other' before that day.

I remember saying as we were preparing to leave the surgery sometime afterwards:

"OK, so I know I have prostate cancer and we are going to investigate that further; but what about my high cholesterol levels? What should we do about that"?

Amazingly (or amazed) the doctor simply returned a look; which interpreted, could have meant:

"What the ... *censored* ... are you for real"!

I'll never really be sure though, as no comment was passed; and, we have not crossed paths again!

Leaving the surgery that day, I guess I was in shock. It took quite a while before I finally allowed myself to consider the ramifications of what I had been told!

That's when the emotions began to (progressively) ... 'rear their ugly head'!