Ponderings ...

I've been back at work for nearly three weeks now and much has happened. Firstly, I feel so much stronger! This is of course, very welcomed news for my wife and I. Although officially, I'm still looking at a prognosis of 3-5 years. I am pleased to say however, that the way I feel, belies this!

On 8th February, I'm due to have my next PSA (blood) test. This will hopefully show that my PSA reading has fallen even further.

I began this journey (with cancer) on 27th September last year with a PSA reading of 84.8!! This was later confirmed, and weight was added to the gravity of my circumstances; when I was found to have a 'Gleason Index' of '9' (out of 10) thus indicating that my particular cancer was the most 'aggressive' kind!

Now after two months of continuous 'hormone therapy' I'm beginning to find more reason for hope.

Firstly, the (many) side effects that I was suffering, have for the most part, abandoned their quest and left me with ... of all things ... more energy! Almost to good to be true, but I'll take it!

Secondly, I have begun to lose weight - slowly. This I attribute to two things:

(1) A very healthy (and strict) diet.

(2) A lot of exercise (mostly at work).

A Weight Lifted

Now, with the weight of the adverse side effects 'lifted', I am not so constantly reminded of my condition. This means I have actually been able to trully forget that I could only have 3-5 years to live and dare to embrace ... LIFE ... again.

And so, over the past couple of weeks, I have had time to ponder what the future might look like.

I may for instance:

Find myself once again in Ministry. A position has beckoned and we have begun the process of determining if this is the way forward.

Or, I may find myself heading up the English Department of a Medical University in Chile. Here too a position is beckoning!

Of course, there is always the possibility of a 'wild card' i.e. something from 'left field' may suddenly intrude and demand our attention.

Smart Money

Right now however, the 'smart money' is on the Chile option! Why you ask?

Well ... the first possibility, while it contains an opportunity for my 'faith' (in 'Church' i.e. the 'church system' and 'Christians' - there are christians and there are Christians!) to be restored; it also contains a risk. If this is not the correct path, many are likely to be hurt; myself included. I'm not sure that I'm sufficiently healed to take the chance - for ALL concerned! (See Heart Unburdened)

The second possibility however, well ... that is 'where my heart is'. The risk associated with this? I may disappoint those dearest to me!

I ache with an intensity, I've not known before; my 'calling draws me one way; but my heart wages valiantly against it'!

But the heart (the bible declares) is deceitful above all things! Who can really trust their heart; especially when so much is at stake? I am afraid that the wounds of the past still affect my present judgement and my confidence!

The third possibility; well who knows?

But, one thing I do know; come June we will have an answer. Should all other options remain unresolved; we head off to Chile!

Why?

Well ... my 'job' will soon contain increased responsibilities, which my body will not be able to 'keep up with' - at least not for long, without adversely affecting my health. And without the job we can no longer afford to live where we currently reside.

Therefore a 'move' would be imminent.

Added to this; with so much uncertainty surrounding our future, we need:

(1) Closure regarding our past; and

(2) A sense of direction (i.e. some certainty) regarding our future.

We are no longer willing (or able) to live without these ... come what may!