In a letter to my daughter recently, I wrote:
"I cannot conceive of a universe, whose genesis was chaos and whose progress is a result of the random collision of complex occurrences. The universe I see contains order and purpose; but its dimensions and complexities far outstrip our puny intellects and dwarf our most vivid imaginations. Such a universe can only be conceived in the heart of God and therefore sustained, held in balance and directed by his supreme power".
Now when I penned that paragraph, I was desperately seeking to make sense of my life as it is.
Faced with a dire prognosis, (i.e. a life expectancy of: at best, 3-5 years) as a result of having been recently diagnosed with: "an incurable and advanced case of Prostate Cancer" ... life suddenly: HAD to have meaning and purpose!
I have searched my soul. I have prayed ... intensely. I have even resorted to begging God; but still, I can make no sense of my current circumstances!
Of course, many would refute, out of hand; my earlier assertion regarding life having an over-arching purpose. Be that as it may; my search for purpose is not based on a desperate and/or belated need to find the meaning of life! Nor on some grandiose notion concerning my own value or worth etc. Nor, do I care what others may think! This search is very personal and much, much deeper and far more profound than I can describe.
My best effort to do so would be to see myself pitted against the 'supreme power' of the Universe and demanding (yes ... demanding) an explanation of him!
Some might consider that this, sounds very reminiscent of the 'Job story'! I wouldn't dispute such an assertion. In fact I have often thought of my life as one ... long ... 'Job story'!!
I can suffer loss ... even the loss of all things precious. I can suffer the loss of my health, my wealth, my reputation, even my own life - I have already been dead [clinically] on 3 separate occasions. I can even suffer the loss of those closest to me - my youngest son, took his own life 7 years ago.
All these I can embrace if need be, but to do so without the belief that somehow a 'higher purpose' is served ... that I CANNOT do!
Ironically, in times past; I have found myself asking God to: "please just let me go ... I've had enough". Such times have always occured at the darkest, most confusing, fearful and agonising of moments; but on every occasion I have received the strength and will to fight!
Death will come to me one day; and by the grace of God I will embrace it willingly. But the very fact that I have the strength and desire to fight, inspite of the profound side effects I endure and the negative prognosis; gives me hope that life (for me) will continue for some time yet; and yes, it WILL contain some (as yet undisclosed) purpose!
"I cannot conceive of a universe, whose genesis was chaos and whose progress is a result of the random collision of complex occurrences. The universe I see contains order and purpose; but its dimensions and complexities far outstrip our puny intellects and dwarf our most vivid imaginations. Such a universe can only be conceived in the heart of God and therefore sustained, held in balance and directed by his supreme power".
Now when I penned that paragraph, I was desperately seeking to make sense of my life as it is.
Faced with a dire prognosis, (i.e. a life expectancy of: at best, 3-5 years) as a result of having been recently diagnosed with: "an incurable and advanced case of Prostate Cancer" ... life suddenly: HAD to have meaning and purpose!
I have searched my soul. I have prayed ... intensely. I have even resorted to begging God; but still, I can make no sense of my current circumstances!
Of course, many would refute, out of hand; my earlier assertion regarding life having an over-arching purpose. Be that as it may; my search for purpose is not based on a desperate and/or belated need to find the meaning of life! Nor on some grandiose notion concerning my own value or worth etc. Nor, do I care what others may think! This search is very personal and much, much deeper and far more profound than I can describe.
My best effort to do so would be to see myself pitted against the 'supreme power' of the Universe and demanding (yes ... demanding) an explanation of him!
Some might consider that this, sounds very reminiscent of the 'Job story'! I wouldn't dispute such an assertion. In fact I have often thought of my life as one ... long ... 'Job story'!!
But even Job's story had purpose!!
I can suffer loss ... even the loss of all things precious. I can suffer the loss of my health, my wealth, my reputation, even my own life - I have already been dead [clinically] on 3 separate occasions. I can even suffer the loss of those closest to me - my youngest son, took his own life 7 years ago.
All these I can embrace if need be, but to do so without the belief that somehow a 'higher purpose' is served ... that I CANNOT do!
That, I WILL NOT do! Not willingly at least! And so I fight!!
Ironically, in times past; I have found myself asking God to: "please just let me go ... I've had enough". Such times have always occured at the darkest, most confusing, fearful and agonising of moments; but on every occasion I have received the strength and will to fight!
Death will come to me one day; and by the grace of God I will embrace it willingly. But the very fact that I have the strength and desire to fight, inspite of the profound side effects I endure and the negative prognosis; gives me hope that life (for me) will continue for some time yet; and yes, it WILL contain some (as yet undisclosed) purpose!
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