"I had reason to be angry". While true, this is not the whole story.
A possible answer:
"I haven't been processing my anger progressively and ran into the proverbial 'straw that broke the camel's back'"! Close but again not the whole story.
Another possible answer:
"Denial ... hmmm, this one could be on the money"!
But what have I been denying in regard to my anger? Or, to put it another way, what have I been so angry about that I have been unconsciously denying exists?
This is where it gets painful! I have unconsciously [or consciously] blocked certain memories, hurts, painful memories etc because I DON'T want to face them! Logical ... but NOT healthy! No one to blame here but myself. Now, this begs the question ...what is it that I don't want to face ... hmm? Well, two things spring quickly to mind:
- My faith in God - This one, I'll deal with over at 'Out of the Shadows' in a later post. This, is very complex, and is related to ...
- The overwhelming sense of failure I feel - Now this one has several facets.
Firstly, the overwhelming sense of failure that I now feel, is very closely associated with the 'Deep sense of Loss' which I previously wrote about.
Although I could go back and dredge up a great many 'failures' to satiate this need to understand where my sense of failure is coming from; I will resist that 'red herring' and instead go after the real culprit/s!
The latest gnawing in my gut; in relation to the profound sense of failure that I'm struggling with; I can assign chiefly to; 'my preceived failure as a husband and as a parent'!
At the moment, the glass is definitely 'half empty'! Try as I might, I cannot seem to get past the emotional response of guilt! I 'know in my head' ... that the guilt I'm feeling is out of proportion, and not the whole story.
It seems to me that I'm unconsciously doing a 'life audit' at the moment and [obviously] coming up short ... [so far at least] ... i.e. heavily weighted on the negative side! I should add at this point, that recent news regarding my 'prognosis' has left me more than a little flat and is undoubtedly responsible in some part for this phenomenon.
This, reminds me of the numerous times [as a Minister of Religion] that I have sat with the 'dying', while they consider their life's accomplishments and ask: "... did I do anything worthwhile with my life ... have I done enough ... could I have done more"?
Now there is no simple answer to that question. How can you weigh a life's worth? And against what standard would you attempt to do so?
In my case, why am I even considering something now, which usually occurs closer to death! Hmm ... now ... I think I'm onto something! Part of me, has 'had enough' and simply wants to 'end it'! Ah hah!
Well that makes sense ... after all ... I am dying right?!
Noooo!
At least not just yet! But I guess this latest phenomenon and my response to it, simply means I'm normal.
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