Guilty Your Honor!

I have not been up to posting for some time now as I have been running the gauntlet of ... 'erratic and opposing’ emotions!

Let me try to explain. Since receiving a 'worse than expected' prognosis:

"One estimate shows that, on average, 46% of patients with metastatic disease die about 22 months after diagnosis, and approximately 70% of all patients diagnosed with metastatic disease die within 5 years".

I have been struggling to come to terms with this as a real possibility. Now … I am still hopeful that I can beat the odds and that this (current prognosis) represents a pessimistic view of my chances anyway. But I guess what 'set me off' was the realisation that if something is going to go wrong, particularly in my case, then it probably will!

Remember Murphy's Law? Well, my name may not be Murphy; (although I am of Irish descent) but I have had to endure much more than my fair share of (often rare) illnesses and (strange) accidents in my lifetime! Couple this with the fact that I have been struggling with issues relating to my faith and you have the recipe for deep despair!

I have found myself vacillating often, between anger and deep sorrow and regret, for some time now. So much so, that I have recently, been 'serving out' a self-imposed period of isolation from all contact with other people - I simply have not trusted myself. I have been afraid, either of hurting others, or of being hurt by them! It just seemed easier to avoid everyone.


Anger, whilst it can be very destructive can also be constructive. That is, when I have hit rock bottom, in terms of despair and hopelessness; I eventually reach the place where the ‘worm finally turns’ and I get so angry that I cry out to anyone who will listen: “Nooooo ... I don’t deserve this”!!

I used to teach that depression is simply ‘anger turned inside out’. What I now understand (more profoundly) is that the two actually ‘feed off’ each other creating an almost self-perpetuating cycle of self-loathing followed by anger towards others, both pivoting upon the fulcrum of GUILT!


I remember, a while back, it was quite common for people in my circle of acquaintances to be asking one another:

"What would you do next (in your life) if you knew that you only had a couple of years to live"?

Now this was invariably asked in the context of 'motivating' people to consider “improving their life-choices” etc, but NEVER did I imagine that I would be considering that question for REAL!

Back then, I (like many others) had several (pat) answers to that question. However, now that I am faced with that question for real; I find it incredibly difficult to come up with even a semi plausible answer.

Then … we were only talking about hypotheticals; now … well now … it’s for real. Now … I have to think about leaving my wife (in particular) in as sound a position (financially etc) as possible. And so the thought of simply racing off to fulfil some life ambition, or some long-held dream, – as in make the most of the time you have left - seems very irresponsible !

Perhaps I am wrong, but simply selling everything and buying a ‘motor home’ and launching out on some great new adventure; while … ‘I still have the strength' … just seems plain wrong; besides it simply doesn't have the appeal that I thought it might.

And so, where does all this leave me? Not really sure yet ... but I think I'm getting closer!